Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAuIXCDd2Fw

Thoughts before I hit play: This one clearly has the right Nova in it, she’s not going to be replaced by a spunky younger actress or only seen from miles away as a distant shadow. This time, she’s on the poster for the movie, so I already know it’s going to be better than the fourth one. As for the plot, I really don’t know where else this one can go besides Fin training his kiddo to take on the family business of destroying storms with nothing more than a chainsaw. It seems like the plot was pretty well wrapped up to finish after the third movie, but once the fourth came out and we didn’t get any info on what happened between 3 and 4, I kinda stopped caring. Let’s see if this one can make me care again.

Oh, also, in the last movie, April stated her cyborg form is temporary and she doesn’t know how long she’ll last. She *is* on the cover for the 6th movie, but who knows. Maybe she’ll die, her cyborg stuff will fail, and she’ll be returned to her human form by some kind of technical genius.

Synopsis: Astro-X is bankrupt, Nova has been spending her time exploring the ancient methods of destroying sharknadoes, and this time, it’s global. The team ends up in Europe, Asia, Australia, and basically every continent without “America” in the name. The storm rages so hard it’s got a teleportation vortex inside it which makes it really hard for Fin, April, and Nova to get Gil back once he’s sucked up into it.


Main Meat:

Thank GOD this movie happened. If the series had just stopped after the disaster that was the fourth film, I would have actually cried. This movie makes me feel like I earned a prize for getting through the first three. This one was so flipping good, I literally can’t even.

I recognized maybe three cameos total, it happened in other countries that probably included inside jokes American’s wouldn’t get, and people in Fin’s family ACTUALLY DIED. That’s right, the immortal Shepherds aren’t so immortal anymore. Now all that’s left is Fin.

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I am peeved that they killed off my bae Nova, but in this movie, she’s just a hardcore chick that kicks ass without the use of stupid mascara guns and lacy underwear. This time, she’s the leader of a sharknado sisterhood that’s been researching how to take down the sharknadoes since her absence in the second movie. She’s an absolute bad ass, and if she’s going to die, it should have been in a kick-ass Xena costume trying to save Fin’s son from a teleporting sharknado vortex.

For this movie, I didn’t feel like I needed to cling to the Wikipedia page as much as the others, it was nicely paced, there were shots in the film besides landscapes and shoulders-up shots, and I was able to understand, for the most part, what the story line was.

The movie begins with Nova repelling deep down into a cave to do some research on cave paintings beneath Stonehenge while Fin, April, and Gil head to a NATO meeting to discuss what they can do, with the help of the rest of the world, about the growing sharknado issue.

Nova finds out that sharknadoes aren’t something new. Generations of people have dealt with them in the past, keeping them at bay with a stone that can somehow control the storms. Since this is such a revelation, she knows exactly who to call.

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Fin shows up in no time at all. They go through a set of booby traps a’ la’ Indiana Jones, take the stone, and head to the surface. What they didn’t realize when they took the stone, is that the final booby trap sets off an actual sharknado. It blossoms to life right above Stonehenge, picks up some cave sharks, and starts it’s arduous journey through the rest of the film.

While Fin and Nova are dealing with that, April and Gil are getting a sneak peek into some random technology a British Clay Aiken is hiding in a secret room at NATO headquarters. You know, because this movie hasn’t been released worldwide and there aren’t hundreds, maybe thousands, of actors from the UK that would have LOVED to play the geeky gadget guy with a REAL British accent….oh, wait.

Anyway, Gil ends up accidentally stealing a helmet when the sharknado comes a-knocking at NATO’s door. The helmet he stole has a large, obnoxious shark fin on top and, as far as I remember, all it does is track his location. At one point, Gil uses the fin to kill a shark, but that’s not even plausible because the thing looks like it’s made out of foam.

As the sharknado rips through London, Nova is tasked with keeping Gil safe, but the winds are too strong, and he’s is sucked up into the sharknado and the teleporting vortex within it, therefore creating the main tension of the movie. Fin, April, and Nova spend the rest of the film trying to get him out.

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Now, at a few point in this movie, it is INCREDIBLY obvious that an American wrote this movie with little to no actual influence from people that live in the places this movie happens in. For example, you know the mustachioed British inventor trope? the one that always has a dope accent, scarf, and goggles that flies around in a steampunk blimp? Well, that’s in this movie too, for like, three seconds. Based on the success of the helicopter ride Matt and Nova took in the first movie, you’d think, although it’s likely a bad idea logistically, it could work because it worked for them. NOPE! In another part, an Aussie actress says something along the lines of “let’s throw another shark on the barbie” and I literally wanted to slap the writer for making her say it. There are too many “this is weird because it’s from the UK” tropes in this one and was frustrating.

Throughout the movie, the failed attempts to reach Gil inside the sharknado, using the tracking technology in his shark helment, end up failing and landing Fin and April in various places like Italy, Switzerland, and Australia. Most of the film is them trying to navigate being tossed into unexpected places while also trying to figure out what it is that the fancy ancient shark stone does.

 

At one point, April is torn to shreds by a sharknado when she tries, and fails to become a human helicopter with the help of a single ski on the slopes of Switzerland. Yeah, I don’t know why she didn’t just hold the thing in her bionic hand and rotate it that way, but whatever. She’s then attacked by a rogue shark from the storm and is ripped in half. Nova takes her dismantled cyborg body to her “Sharknado Sisterhood” at the Syndney Opera House in Australia. The women there fix her up to not only be a less useful version of the cyborg she once was, but also, a spice girl. I mean, seriously. I thought it was a joke when she presented herself in all her pink-studded, purple-streaked-hair, boobalicious glory. So now, April can’t fly, because I guess the studio couldn’t afford a stunt double for much longer, and she doesn’t need to be charged as often. However, she was also made less robotic overall. She’s still a cyborg, but now she has an energy limit and, if she exceeds her limit, she’ll die.

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming - Season 2017

While April was getting repaired, we learned that none other than Gemini was also a part of the sisterhood and has been in constant contact with Nova while trying to transport the nuclear waste leftover from the nuke-nado from the fourth movie to a safe location. Unfortunately, because we just can’t leave well enough alone when it comes to nuclear waste, it all falls overboard and creates a massive shark-zilla blob that then heads to Japan to roam it’s streets and terrorize it’s inhabitants. I’m waiting for all the characters in the 6th movie to have 3 extra arms from all the radiation they’ve been exposed to over the course of this series.

The story starts to take shape when Fin and April take their tornado taxi to Brazil and meet another sister of the sharknado sisterhood named Vega. Vega is played by none other than New York from the fucking Flavor-flav dating show of my childhood, Flavor of Love. With one of the worst, indistinguishable Brazilian accents I’ve ever heard, she tells Fin and April that the stone can be used to create sharknadoes. Until this point, no one really knows what the thing is for, but you know, New York knows.

Using this bit of info, Fin and April realize they can manifest the sharknado and try to use the vortex within it to get to Gil so they do that. However, it still doesn’t work and the two end up in Egypt, near the sphinx and pyramids to be exact.

Before they ended up in Egypt though, there was this weird car chase scene over the artifact and some nameless bad guys. I didn’t think that was important to note. What WAS important though, is that in this movie, FUCKING FABIO PLAYS THE POPE. YEAH. He gives Fin this epic sword/chainsaw thing and it’s fucking amazing. I just had to make sure I mention that because I would be doing the series, and Fabio a disservice if I didn’t.

Now, as the shark-zilla thing is ravaging Tokyo, Nova and her sharknado sisters head into the fray. She’s wearing possibly the most epic costume I’ve ever seen that gave me INTENSE Xena: Princess Warrior vibes. Gil, having, I guess teleported into the nuclear thing, is in a lot more danger than he was in the sharknado, so Nova jumps right in to try and save him. the Japanese fighter jets shooting into the thing explode it, apparently killing Gil and throwing Nova onto the streets of Tokyo, bloodied and in a lot of pain.

Here is where Nova, my bae, my favorite character, the most interesting and detailed bad ass in the series, takes her last breaths. She died trying to undo the mistake she did at the beginning of the film and failing. Showing us all it’s okay to fail and not be great at everything.

Once Nova dies, it seems like everyone else does too. The Colonel and “Claudia” who we’d only been updated on thanks to random phone calls from Matt to Fin, both die. Then Matt, Fin’s mom, and Gemini all die thanks to the mega storms running rampant across the globe. Fin and April are the only shepherds left. With nothing left the lose, the two, after landing in Egypt, crank some mystery lever without reading the directions. This lever, the wrong lever, mind you, kicks some gears…into gear…and opens up the pyramids that absorb the energy of the sharknadoes and seemingly stop the tide of storms wreaking havoc on the world. Just when they’re taking that sigh of relief they always do at the end of the movie, the lever gets stuck and the gears of the machine reverse. The absorbed energy flows through the ground and basically makes everything 100% worse. Not only is there a worldwide sharknado crisis, but now there’s a tsunami headed their way as well.

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Just when it seems all hope is lost, April stands on a tall rock, starts screaming, and emits a yellow beam from her entire body. She absorbs the energy and simultaneously stops the storms and overheats thanks to her new tech that has an energy limit. The output is too much for her and she explodes.

At this point, while I was watching I said something along the lines of “well, it was just her head in the poster for the 6th movie, maybe that’s all that survives.” And before I know it, Fin is moving rubble out of the way to reveal the decapitated head of his wife.

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I died laughing.

Her eyes briefly open, close, and twitch wildly as Fin holds her head in his hands. Eventually she stops moving entirely. The camera zooms out and Fin screams into the void now, officially, having lost everyone he cares about.

In the last scene of the film, Fin packs up April’s head in a beggar’s bag, using a staff he found next to the vortex machine, and walks along the desolated remains of the world. Before he knows it, a truck rumbles up beside him, driven by a middle aged in a shark fin helmet with a set of wings pinned to his jacket. (P.S. Not sure if I mentioned this, but the Colonel left those wings to Gil when he was lost in space at the end of the second film). Gil, now much older and cooler, played by Dolph Lundgren, was sent back in time when the sharkzilla thing was blown up and had been using his wits to survive and make the sharknadoes into time machines. Hell yeah.

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I’m now waiting for the sixth film with bated breath to see Tara Reid’s head on the body of a dog or something like that woman from Mars Attacks and for Gil and Fin to meet up with Dr. Who as they travel through time and space. Because although this movie took place in London at one point, only a vague Dr. Who reference was made when one code used in the film was 00D, to spell out Ood, one of the alien races from the show.

However, I wonder if now they’re going to use the time machine aspect of the sharknadoes to go back in time to stop them before they happen. It might undo the entire series and literally make everything worthless, but I could see that happening.


Year Released/Director: 2017, This movie was directed by Anthony C. Ferrante like all the others, but the writer was Scotty Mullen using characters created by Thunder Levin, the original writer for the entire series up until now. You bet your ass I’ll be looking into what happened there.

Rating: Passable

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Favorite Death: FINALLY my favorite death is a shark smush again! There’s this weird bit where some woman that may or may not be a celebrity I didn’t recognize is confessing her love for the Prime Minister. Just before they’re about to kiss, a shark falls from the sky and kills her on the stairs of what I assume is Buckingham Palace. It was perfect comedic timing and my favorite death of the film, with April’s decapitation taking a close second place and Abby what’s-her-face from Dance Moms in third place because all she’s doing is walking and just gets her face ripped off.

Funniest Part: 100% When April showed up after her makeover and looked like punk rock Barbie. The streaked hair, the boobs, the…well, really, everything. It was such an odd choice and was never actually explained, so  I absolutely loved it.

What they did right: Oh my god, I don’t know if it was the new writer, the plot that was actually follow-able, or the callbacks to the first few films, I freaking loved this movie and so far, it’s my favorite. It was just good. It had a solid plot, the characters actually grew together, apart, and in front of the audience. Just when you think you know everything about Nova, this movie slaps you in the face and confronts you about your dead grandfather.

This movie gave these already great actors the chance to be even greater in a movie about sharks getting sucked up into tornadoes for the 5th time.

Thoughts from Interviews: 

The first interview I clicked on was interviewing some of the cast, including Fabio. “When they told me, I was like ‘oh my god, I’m gonna play the pope? And also, it’s about time for an American Pope, right?” He then proceeded to go on about how he would sincerely change the church if he was, in fact, the pope. And you thought Fabio was perfect already. He said he’d get rid of pedophilia, therefore making everyone else being interviewed incredibly uncomfortable, he said he would bring women closer to God, and “more celebrate, less celibate.” Which is something I need on a t shirt.

The interviewer asked “When you read these scripts and you think ‘come on,’ how much more ridiculous, how far can you push the edge any further?” Ian Ziering immediately responded with “That’s exactly what I said when I read Sharknado 5. This is just preposterous….These are TV movies, but yet the script reads like a hundred million dollar film.”

According to something Tara said during this interview as well, the group actually went to the countries they filmed in.

In the same interview, Ferrante even mentioned that recycling the same themes and plot lines is intentional. I mean, how can it not be at this point, but it’s something I’ve harped on enough this warrants mentioning. “The last movie was a superhero movie, this one is a global action adventure movie, so we get to play with different genres with our story of Sharknado.”

I ALSO LEARNED THAT THERE IS AN APP FOR THIS MOVIE. WHAT!? There is an app, similar to Pokemon Go that Anthony Ferrante talks about in this movie. For those curious, it’s called Sharknado: Sharkmented Reality. I looked for a game clip for it, but couldn’t find it and at the time I wrote this article my phone was dead. I also don’t want to use something that needs my location to work because hi, I’m paranoid.

In this interview, we learned that the original name for the first Sharknado series was Dark Skies.

Ian chats here a bit about how he was cast and states he doesn’t know who it was that dropped out at the last second so he could be cast three days before shooting. As we all know, that unfortunate soul was Steve Guttenberg.

Tara’s first reaction was that it was the most absurd movie she’d ever read. Her friends encouraged her to take the role, she did, and the rest is history. She was thankful for the series too because it helped others see her as a mother figure rather than a college girl. In this interview in particular, she said she has 6 films coming out in which she plays a mom in all of them. I just think that’s so cool.

Apparently, Donald Trump nearly played the president in Sharknado 3. When asked for the story behind that, Ian said that because he was shooting The Apprentice, which he was on, right before Sharknado. He was going to do it if it had lined up better with his schedule, but it didn’t work out. Mario Lopez was also nearly cast as the president as well.

Daniel Radcliffe is apparently also a huge fan of the series and has always wanted to be in it, but scheduling conflicts keep getting in the way. I hope to goodness he makes it into the sixth movie.

DUDE. Ian Ziering made a clothing line called Chainsaw Brands. “looked all around the world for some incredible fabrics and created some amazing t-shirts, sport t-shirts, as well as some custom men’s dress shirts.” And I am not kidding when I say this gem of a man followed up a plug for his merch with “whether you have a dad bod or a ‘who’s your daddy?’ Bod, it’s gonna make everybody look great.”

Trivia:

Most of the trivia for this one is just explaining references, which I don’t find particularly interesting. You either get them or you don’t.

Petunia Watch: Petunia makes two appearances in this movie! The first is on a poster for “Petunia Cerveza” the other is on the top of the flux capacitor at the end in Fin/Gil’s Hummer.


Last Post: Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens

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